The Case As To Why.

Why did it take me two (2) years to the day to hit “Publish” on my Blog. Why indeed. As of this very moment only a few people even know about this blog, and, if you are keeping score, which, that’s all Bloggers write and (some) obsess about. All the self imposed rules you have to follow to be a successful blogger. “Monetize” is the buzz word that’s just an energy drain. That’s a drain on my energy so, I just want to write. Find my voice maybe, inspire someone, and yeah, I’ll hit publish a second time and feel a lot differently than I did the first time, two (2) years ago.

Accomplished. It felt like I did it for a moment anyway. I published something I wrote. No grand party. Boo hoo. All those years of talking about what I really wanted to do as far back as high school and never doing it…why, because I was afraid. And, then at the same time I was more afraid of never doing it. It’s a vicious cycle I don’t want to repeat another two (2) years. Then why two (2) years? The beauty is, I don’t owe anyone an answer here. (Imagine me holding a megaphone outside in my driveway) “Literally no one knows about this blog!” (Imagine me [smiling] because that feels like freedom to write, [outside on a nice sunny day with a gentle delta breeze blowing by]).

What you resist, WILL persist. Words in caps staring at me yesterday, DO NOT RESIST OR RUN in one of my many reference books to draw inspiration from for this post. I was under attack, under heavy fire, Spiritually, now that I think about it. Then there was the severe anxiety diagnosis and the why behind that.

The Case of The Delta of Dreams #1

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January 18, 1989

I was getting my yellow, water resistant Sony Walkman loaded with a mixed cassette tape I had made and the foam padded headphones went on and I pushed play as I started down the levee road.  Michael Davidson’s Turn It Up from the Who’s That Girl Soundtrack was the first in the loop.  Listening to this song takes me back to a moment that I can summons at any time and feel exactly what I was feeling at that very moment.  Truth be told this unknown upcoming event became double edge dagger emotionally for many years to come.

It was my seventeenth birthday and the day we were notified that a close family friend committed suicide.  Earlier this peculiar day at school which had its own highs and lows and thrown in like a monkey wrench some lessons I learned about letting go.  This peculiar day also became something that moved me in mysterious ways and got lost in a field of dreams all in an instant. Well, I was a live-a-board with my Dad on his boat, so maybe it was more like I threw it into the Delta of Dreams, hoping and praying it would sink like my majorette baton did one summer day.

So I turned to what any normal seventeen year old would do, I started rowing. Yep, rowing! And, it was the smallest boat I had access to up and down the marina. I enjoyed every minute of it.  Although it was January and cold that year, so I decided to row in the spring and picked up a pen and forged it to the paper. I got this divinely inspired idea one evening walking with that Walkman once again.  Only this time, Steve Winwood came along with me with his message of Higher Love. It has really stuck with me all these years and it’s still a favorite to this day. This vision came to me that I wanted, more than anything to become a writer. Of course this idea of mine got shot down in a blaze of glory from my elders.  I end up listening to their valid points and I am sure glad I did.

Flash forward to 1990 and the year I was legally an adult.  I elected to leave high school my junior year and give “independent study” a go, only, I didn’t know it then how broken I was (after that suicide notification) so my Dad gave me two choices:  1.) complete high school or   2.) get a full time job and start supporting myself.  I took what was ahead of me and it was behind door number two. I received my first Ford Tempo as a gift from my Grandparents and I remember the day I felt my freedom ring for the first time all to the tune of “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley.  I am now turning right on to Byron Highway and was just cruising along with the windows down, the song was playing and I was approaching the curve onto Sunset Road on my way to work.